Excited-Worried-Idon’tevenknow

I got a job!!!

Technically the term is “accepted a call,” …and technically it’s two churches! I’m thrilled to announce that I’ve accepted a call to Chartiers Valley Presbyterian Church and Good Shepherd Lutheran Church. I start soon, and I’m beyond excited.

But I’m trying to hold on to that excitement, because the reality of the matter is that these past few weeks have been stressful. Getting ordained is no task for the faint-hearted: there have been committee meetings and session meetings and joint meetings, with all of the attending paperwork. There’s the planning of the ordination service, asking participants and figuring out a service I’ve never seen done (I had a forty minute conversation with the officiant about all this) and the music, and then there’s letting all the important people in my life know this is happening and arranging for them to stay nearby or being sad they couldn’t come. I’ve been completing background checks and rewriting my statement of faith. I went home to sort through everything I have there and start packing it up to finally come stay with me–in the apartment I don’t yet have but am trying to look for, in between meetings with future congregants and reading annual reports and writings sermons and maybe hopefully cleaning so my parents don’t think I’m a total slob.

I think I forgot something–which is how I’ve been feeling pretty constantly for weeks now.

Look. I’m not trying to throw a pity party here. I know I stress myself out about everything sometimes, whether it’s important or not. Trust me, I know. (I live with that anxious voice saying maybe my background check will have a non-existent crime reported even though I’ve literally never been in a courtroom and maybe the robe I ordered will be terrible and maybe I screwed up something tiny on my last piece of paperwork so that now this is all going to fall apart)

I just want to say that I really really don’t want all this stress to be my memory of my ordination and starting this new job. I want to do what I can and leap in rather than linger and worry and stress out about things that in all likelihood will never happen. I want to rejoice in the blessings, like seeing my family and extended family, like receiving a call and being ordained and all the other people who are also working to make this happen. I want to not worry away the time.

I’m so not there yet. SO not there: Writing this reminded me of three other emails I need to send and one other place I’d like to clean and one other appointment.

*sigh*

But it also reminded me of where I’d like to be. So, here’s to holding on; here’s to wading through all the worries while sometimes pointing out that they’re kinda really stupid without bashing yourself for worrying about them. Just…let’s keep holding on. Let’s keep moving forward, worries be damned, and enjoy the good things.

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Cleaning and Loving

Confession time:

I haven’t been cleaning very much. And by “very much” I mean it’s been more than a month since I’ve done anything that wasn’t laundry. (Necessary about laundry?)

Ugh.

It’s not just that. I’ve been at my place for almost a year now and still haven’t hung anything up, except for one post it reminding me that “The internet does not inspire you.” (Truth!) As much as not cleaning has partly been about being exhausted and overwhelmed, it’s also been about a lack of permanence. I know I won’t live here forever. I plan to move out when I find a church. I’ve been actively trying to not set down roots: I have more boxes than furniture, and most of my books and winter clothes are still packed (because last September, I optimistically thought I wouldn’t need them before I’d moved). I haven’t really bought anything for the room. I haven’t bought anything future-oriented since I moved in.

And I’ve been thinking about that, as I try to get over the hump that is “I haven’t cleaned and nothing has exploded!” so that I can reach the other side and start cleaning again. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not completely unpacking, or not buying things I’ll just have to move again–but intentionally distancing myself so I don’t form any attachments is not really the goal. I don’t like it. What’s wrong with loving the place where I am, even if I’ll be moving someday? Why do I feel the need to hurry through instead of getting to know my neighbors?

I’d like to love this place, even if I’m not here much longer. I’d like to clean, and leave it better for whoever comes after me. And I’d like to remember that organizing and cleaning and putting pretty things on the walls and shelves is good for me, too.

Which is why I’m going to the store in a bit to get a new shower curtain. Which is why I’ve been rearranging my room so that there’s more than one path (because it’s a start) and making piles to donate.

Which is why I found myself mopping the bathroom today, dripping with sweat because I made the bright decision to start cleaning when it was pouring rain and so the humidity was through the roof.

And…loving is mostly hard work, and messy, and made up of moments that aren’t particularly memorable.

But I think I’m ready to love a little more.

Not Embarrassed

Like everyone else, I’m going to start with the eclipse! I didn’t see much of it; I went outside briefly, but it was much more fun to watch other people stare at the sky and share eclipse glasses, and then I could stay inside and continue my crocheting and conversing.

I may not have ended up being too excited myself, but I hated hearing people get so disdainful and even mean about how excited people were to see the eclipse, like there was something wrong and childish in getting excited about this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a cool nature thing.

I’m sorry, really?

I’m all for people getting excited for pretty much whatever. Yes, there are limits, i.e. legality and morality, but other than that: woodworking? button collecting? beetles? lighthouses? your job? an obscure species of plant found only in a square mile of the Amazonian rainforest? You go!

In honor of that spirit–and, as that person who sometimes feels self-conscious about the “weird” things that I sometimes read–here’s a list of books I’ve been loving lately, even if I do feel self-conscious talking about them, and loving them.

  • 100 Essential Modern Poems by Women: I just always feel self-conscious about reading poetry, as if by doing so I’m shouting to everyone that I’m conceited and obnoxious. I’m not sure why that’s my first thought about reading poetry?? Anyway, it’s a collection of a hundred poems written by women over the last hundred and fifty years, and while I haven’t loved every poem it’s a really good collection. It also includes biographical information about every poet, which is fascinating. (I may or may not now be dreaming of reading a book of poetry by each of the women featured?) I just find poetry so interesting and truthful, even and maybe especially when I don’t understand it. And I love reading more by and about these women poets that I’ve mostly never heard of.
  • From Midterms to Ministry: Practical Theologians on Pastoral Beginnings. Because…it’s so bad that I want to be a better pastor? *sarcasm alert!* I’m not quite sure why I feel so self conscious about this, although I’m sure it has something to do with not wanting to admit that I still have so much to learn. Or maybe I just feel self-conscious that my first learning instinct is to find a book about it.
  • God and World in the Old Testament: A Relational Theology of Creation by Terence E. Fretheim: This book is a bit of a brick, complete with a final third made up entirely of footnotes in a tiny font. I love it! I love most of Fretheim’s work, in fact, for he’s very thorough and methodical, and it’s been oddly fun to slowly work my way through a such a scholarly work.

What about you? What have you been loving unabashedly, or trying to?

Some small things

It's been a while!

I really hate starting with that–and I hate having started with that so often in the history of this blog.

I just…haven't felt like I've had much to write about. Part of that was taking on a new job at the beginning of last month, which put me at just about full-time between all of my jobs. What a transition! It hasn't been bad, really. It's been tough, sure, and an adjustment, but I really love it. It's a good job. But between the new job and my other jobs, there have been lots of little good moments (and lots of irritating, frustrating ones, too!) but nothing big enough that I wanted to write a whole post about it.

But good grief it's been a long time since I wrote anything here.

And I think those little moments are worth celebrating and cherishing–and isn't that what I wanted to do here, in this space? find the good and beautiful and God in the routines and small moments of life? So let's take a moment–let's celebrate all the tiny things that being us joy. For me, that's been:

  • Walking to work. It's a tiny way to make space for myself, and I love it.
  • My new friend.
  • Going to the park. I live right by one, and I've finally rediscovered that is a great place to go to read or get some work done.
  • Beautiful sunsets. Enough said, right?
  • Work. Definitely not every day–but there's something beautiful about seeing a task be completed, and being the one working towards that. There's something wonderful about having a clearly defined goal.
  • Crocheting. I've been crocheting more lately and loving it! I find it such a soothing way to spend an hour or two.
  • Writing. Surprising no one but myself, developing a regular writing habit has been giving me so, so much joy. (Perhaps this is a post for another time, but why do we so vehemently avoid the parts of life that give us the most joy?)
  • Rain. We've had so much rain here I've the past month, and I love it. It's my favorite weather, full of such beauty and potential.

What about you? What small things have you been loving?

Quiet

Lately I’ve been craving quiet. I don’t necessarily mean lack of noise; I mean more a lack of technological noise, a space to think. Sometimes that has looked like a lack of noise, turning off podcasts and music and videos for a bit to just be. Sometimes it’s looked like reading a book instead of watching something. Sometimes it’s looked like going for a walk.

It surprised me. I haven’t been avoiding things by drowning them out with TV marathons. I haven’t been shoving them into games I didn’t really want to play. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts, but those are about learning and listening, not avoiding. I guess I forgot that they’re still noise. There’s still beauty and space in quiet, even when I’m filling my quiet with good things. 

So I read a book. I went for a walk, and instead of putting a podcast on just observed. I thought about my upcoming sermon, and bumble bees, and summer plans, and poetry. It wasn’t frantic; everything slowed down in a way that normally only writing can accomplish. 

I’m not going to make promises I won’t keep and say that I’m going to always look for more quiet now. But it’s been really nice, and I hope I can keep seeking out the quiet in my life. I hope I can be a little less frantic and hit pause sometimes.

What is success?

As I prepare to graduate, and as I approach the date with no long-term plans for afterwards, I find myself thinking about my writing. My prospects are slim for getting a job straight out of my summer internship, and one goal I have is to make writing more than a hobby.  More than something I do in odd moments and only for myself. 

That goal feels so far away. The viewing numbers of this blog are pathetic. My novels are all half-written at best. The list of publications I’ve been paid to write for is nowhere close to becoming a double-digit number. The money I make from writing is barely a trickle. 

Yet, when I list my writing achievements to others, they are always impressed, even enthusiastic. “That’s so amazing!” they say, with utter sincerity, and “You could do far worse than the places you’ve been published in so far.” 

I have accomplished something as a writer. Sure, there’s more to do, more I’d like to do–always–but I have written pieces and reached goals that are worth celebrating. Sure,  I haven’t reached the point where I could live off of my writing, but I do make money, and I’ve worked hard and reached so many mile marks in the past year alone. Having farther I’d like to go doesn’t mean I haven’t already come far. I can be proud of what I’ve accomplished so far but still have more that I dream of doing.

So, that’s where I am right now: proud of what I’ve accomplished, but dreaming and planning and writing still.

Celebrate (Five Minute Friday)

 

I’ve been following Five Minute Friday for a while, trying to get up the courage to do the freewrite and link my blog up. Expose it to the world. Today being the day is reason enough to celebrate! Not sure where the courage came from–except I am, of course, for my God is the source of all good things. That is another reason to celebrate. There are so many.

Even as there also are so many to not celebrate. Reasons, that is. The world is hard and broken and full of sin and sh*t like child prostitution and shootings and children being arrested for clocks and so much more. How do we celebrate in the midst of that?

We celebrate by looking forward, looking up. It may feel premature to celebrate what isn’t totally here yet, but Jesus came. Already here. Not yet. We celebrate by being Christ to others, fighting against that sin and darkness. Maybe by sitting with someone in their darkness. Maybe by doing nothing. God’s funny like that.


And that’s my Five Minute Friday for today. Worth it.