As you may remember, focus became my theme for this Advent. I crafted some goals, and set out to improve myself this Advent. That wasn’t what I told myself; on a conscious level, that wasn’t really my intent. But looking back at my goals, they seem to be a lot about me. Maybe that’s just how they’ve played out; all of the God-focused goals have been pushed to the back of my mind, and I’ve been trying so hard to get things done and focus on schoolwork and goals and tasks. Lately, the harder I’ve tried, the less I’ve gotten done. Seriously. The amount of homework I’ve done in the past two weeks is appalling, and I should absolutely be writing an essay that is due later today. But writing is more important than schoolwork. It’s how I listen to God, break out of my boxes and certainties and rigidity. More than anywhere else, it’s where I meet God.
I haven’t been writing much lately, and it shows. Honesty scares me more the longer I don’t exercise it, and it’s honestly been weeks since I’ve sat down and just written. Without writing to ground me in God, I try to decide what should be done and how to do it, and then do those things on my own power. That would be why I’ve done almost nothing over the past few weeks. That would also be why writing this post is the fourth productive thing I’ve done since Friday. And… it was okay. God just kept reassuring me that it was okay to not be working, and so I read some Mercedes Lackey, went shopping (well, looked, which is way more fun than actually shopping anyway) and then out to lunch, watched ridiculous movies on Netflix, spent time with the people I love, played Bingo, took a nap… And it was glorious!
Yes, I still feel a bit guilty at all that wasted time. I suspect I’ll always be that kind of person, but I am more than what I do in a day. I am more than the classes I take, or the homework I do, or the housework I do, or the stories I write. They are a part of me, but they are not all of me. The intersection between unproductivity and presence–my own, others’, God’s–is where I saw God this week.